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"The soul that can speak through the eyes, can also kiss with a gaze."
~Gustav Adolfo Becquer

2008 - Onward & Upward

>> Tuesday, January 01, 2008

"Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness."

~Marianne Williamson


A New Year. A New Beginning.

For those who've been following, the past couple months have been a difficult one for me.

It doesn't take a brilliant mind to decipher that I've been pretty sad over a relationship that was severed. It obviously was not something that I wanted, the ending of that relationship, but unfortunately when one says it's over,

it's over.

The best I can do, is lick my own wounds, learn from the experience, and move on.

Right?

That's not always easy to do. Especially for me, as I've never been one who can just turn on or turn off my feelings like a faucet. I've never been like that, and it amazes me that someone is able to do that with such apparent ease.
When I care about someone,
I care about him.
I may not be perfect.
I may not respond in the best way possible.
I may even be reactive with my own stuff,
but I still care about him.
That doesn't change.
I may make mistakes,
but my feelings don't change.

Even when I am able to take full responsibility for my own part in that,
I still care.
And even when I know he has his own part in that too,
I still care.


So, while I struggle with my own feelings, I had posted a Beautiful artistic photo from a wonderful photographer titled "The Amputation of a Friendship". The Title alone grabs me with its severity, and I am struck by the message underlining it. The Irony involved has almost a surreal, kind of feel to it. If interested, click on the link above, or just scroll down to my December 21, 2007 post.
Actually, the commentary between me and another blogger, Rolando, gives almost a bird's eye view into my own world, and I thank Rolando for his very kind and thoughtful words.
So, while I've been mucking through my own sadness about this and reflecting on the past year, I realized I must have somehow started to reach towards a place of peace and forgiveness.
You see, what another gentleman who sometimes stops by here had been able to put together (with ease, I'm sure) is,
we also shared the same birthday.
When I looked over my post, and re-read my very simple birthday wish to him, I realized that my good wishes to him, had started to come from a place of forgiveness and peace.
I know I'm not there yet, as it's really hard to achieve that when the choice to completely amputate himself from me, was his choice.
And his choice alone.
I would have chosen differently.
Damn...even when a real limb is amputated from its own body,
a person still has Phantom Feelings!
Long after, a person still has feelings.

The fact that I still care and genuinely do wish him well, is one small clue to me that I am at least on the right path, (in spite of him turning his emotional faucet off so easily).
I think it's a good start.
It's a Good start for this new year.

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."
~Lewis B. Smedes

So, Onward & Upward into 2008.

10 Reflections:

Anonymous 10:38 PM, January 01, 2008  

ZZ, I am very proud you...of the place you are finding yourself at this moment. I know this birthday may have been a difficult one...I hope your crazy friends were able to lessen the hurt you still feel when we went to the comedy club for some laughs....(laughing is sooo good for the soul, isn't it?). Forgiveness is sooo hard, especially when the other party still does not realize the extent of their actions (and therefore may wonder..."forgive me for what?"). No matter, forgiveness is the necessity for you to move past this and hopefully onto a more fulfilling relationship with the mutual respect and caring you are ready to give (and receive).

Love ya,
T

The Uneasy Supplicant 12:30 PM, January 02, 2008  

ZZ...it is a good start. In time it will be a closed chapter. Take care...oh by the way, I do hope 2008 gives you health, happiness and success. Plow forward!
~JD

Rolando 3:19 PM, January 02, 2008  

Hi ZZ, it's funny that i'm here right now. i'm having lunch right now and something told me to come to you site. strange.

I'm happy that you are in a better place. The rest will take some time. But i understand how difficult it can be to just let go especialy when you are the person who would have chosen otherwise.

I'm sure there is a reason for this and reason you don't yet understand. When that day comes then you be at 100%.

For now try to ease your mind. Things wil get better. I'm sure of it!

Greeneyezz 8:30 AM, January 03, 2008  

Thank you

Anonymous 11:58 PM, January 03, 2008  

Aw zz, I'm feeling you here. I really am. I know you're hurting. And it's hard to think that he'd be that uncaring. I bet you he's hurting too.
He needs to read this post. If I had his email, I'd send it to him myself.

forgiveness soothes both hearts.

S.

Billiam 2:41 AM, January 06, 2008  

Onward And Upward....I pray that your soul moves onward and upward, but I'm damned to spend eternity in the eternal abyss of Hell. Satan loves me for the evil I have done in my past. Being a good person will never remove the stains from my soul. God bless my baby.

Té la mà Maria - Reus 5:26 PM, January 06, 2008  

very good blog, congratulations
regard from Catalonia Spain
thank you

Greeneyezz 7:47 PM, January 08, 2008  

S. - Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Bill - I was kinda thinking of Onward & Upward...in my life, not that I was damning my soul to hell. :) But Hey, I just may see you in that eternal abyss of hell too. If that's the case, then we might as well make a party out of it. I'll bring the Tequila, whatcha bringin'??

(Thank you for your kind words, oh wise man who knoweth.)

And may your daughter Kensington be blessed. Her birthday is just one month +1 day before mine.

As an aside, I read your (irate) comments on blog catalog about people who only want 'friend status' or post to your shoutbox, for exposure to get money.
I hear you. I refuse to grant anyone 'friend status' unless they have actually been to my blog, and not just viewed my B. Catalog profile. I can't tell you how many times I have deleted 'friend requests' based on that alone.
I hear your frustration.

te la ma maria - Thanks for stopping by.

~ZZ

Billiam 1:26 AM, January 09, 2008  

I understand where you're coming from and I know this person. I haven't heard any details from either of you but I can offer you one wise quote. I heard it first from my drill instructor in basic training. He said "That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger." Feelings and emotions can be a good thing, but they can also cripple you if you allow them to grow more quickly than the relationship. Don't worry, Miss ZZ, the cream always rises to the top!

Greeneyezz 6:16 PM, January 09, 2008  

Bill -

Rest assured, It won't kill me. :) I've just learned to have my feelings, and be done with them. It's a process.

"...if you allow them to grow more quickly than the relationship.

Very good phrase Bill.

Very good indeed.

~ZZ

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Summit of Mount Jo 9/24/10 A few friends were worried about me. They were worried about me hiking Mount Jo by myself, so I took this video to show how many people were around that day if I needed assistance. I even chatted with several and had a few people share a glass of wine with me at the summit. :) Mount Jo. 9/24/10 After the crowd left This is what the summit looked like... with no people on it. In the previous video I took, I showed all the people who had made this same hike to her summit.
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